Intentional Parenting

As a mother of three girls, ages 11 to 18, and as a teacher of children for 20 years, 6th grade through 12th grade, I have met a lot of parents. Many have made great impressions on me. Some have been positive and others, negative. Regardless, I have learned from and reflected on how they interact with their children. One idea that keeps coming to mind is intentional parenting. A colleague of mine actually said that he admired Tim and me because we are intentional parents. I had never even thought of that idea in those terms until he said that. But it has stuck with me. I didn't tell him but I feel like he and his wife are also intentional parents. Maybe I should tell him. Tim and I have made lots of mistakes as parents, but just reflecting on the relationships we have with our girls now, I think we have happened upon something that worked too. I do admit, however, that we have spent many many hours over the years praying for our children and for ourselves as we try to raise them as God would want us to. I'm sure other parents along the way have thought we were to strict (we didn't let our girls wear bikinis), too flexible (we didn't really ever have strict bed times). But our ultimate goal was to teach the girls that they were precious to God and to us. Tim and I have always understood that our girls are really His and we are grateful that He has entrusted us with their care.
I love listening to other parents and watching how they interact with their children. Just recently a parent of two of my students offered to come help with a project at school I was working on. She also brought the two boys to help. Her words to them were that they were a part of this project and they needed to put in the time to see it succeed. They obviously have heard this before and they were eager to help. That is a life style for them. I admire that.
Intentional parenting can be tedious, unpopular, draining.....it means not giving in to what is easy. It means not believing lies such as "all sisters fight," "teenagers rebel," "kids can't wait to get out of the house when they graduate." Building relationships takes time and effort. It takes being intentional about doing what is right.

Why is it that humans are always looking for something beyond what they have? Kids can't wait til school is out for the summer, then they can't wait to start again in the fall to see their friends again (because they were bored after 3 days of summer vacation). Seniors can't wait to graduate. Grown-ups can't wait for Friday afternoon. Why do we spend so much time looking forward to whatever is next? Why don't we just enjoy what's happening right now, at this very moment? We would be happier and more content if we could just stop and enjoy the present, and not worry about what's next as if it's going to better than where we are at the moment. Now, it's not bad to look forward to vacations, or a big game, or a party. But discontent grows in us when we are just feeling like we're muddling through the present, putting all our hopes into something that we think will make us happy.

In Psalm 34 David says, "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth." I love the word continually. It doesn't say that His praise will be in my mouth when things are happy....it says continually. That means when I'm happy, bored, stressed, content, discontent....continually. That's hard!! But isn't it a great idea!

Tim and I have adopted Hosea 10:12 as our verse for 2011. It says "Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap in mercy; break up your fallow ground (that's my favorite part), for it is time to seek the Lord, til He comes and rains righteousness on you." Wouldn't we all like Him to rain some righteousness down on us? He does. Every day. Spend time with Him and let Him rain on you through His word and through prayer.

Coach Dad

Since I have been a coach for most of my professional life and I have been a father for all of my children's lives, it only makes sense that these two paths would cross and intertwine throughout the years. With teaching/coaching as our background it has been Patti's and my pleasure to allow our girls to find their passion in sports without forcing it into their lives. Once they chose sports they like, my background in coaching gave me some unique opportunities to help our daughters have success . . . their own "private coach." Recently I was in the gym with Alyssa and Lauren. Being the youngest, Lauren is just now learning fundamentals about all of the sports. On this day she was shooting a basketball. As I was explaining how she can tell if her arms and shoulders are in the right position based on the flight of the ball, and how to fix it if she misses, she made a statement that stopped the workout and inspired this entry. She said something like "Dad it is cool how you showed me this because that way I can fix it on my own." A big smile came on my face as well as Alyssa, having been down this same path before, knew what was coming next. My response was right in line with my whole philosophy of coaching . . . teach the fundamentals so well that in the game if something is "off" they can fix it on the run . . . on their own. I told her that's right because, although from the stands I can usually identify a "follow-through" or "balance" problem you might be having, I can't come down out of the bleachers and tell you . . . you have to take care of it, you have to keep playing the game. Patti and I have embraced this same type philosophy in the raising of our children, it just makes good sense.

In Proverbs 1:8 Solomon is pleading with a young son to "Pay close attention, friend, to what your father tells you; never forget what you learned at your mother's knee." This verse assumes that good, sound, fundamental, instruction and teaching "coaching" is coming from the parents. Isn't it the fundamentals of time spent with our Father; prayer, reading the bible, reflection on our lives, listening and applying His principles . . . in daily quiet quality time . . . that "fixes" things when they get off in our lives? 2 Peter 1:5-7 says "So don't lose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love." Complementing your basic faith . . . fundamentals!

Erica just graduated from high school, and it was interesting that the deeper she got in her high school athletic career, the less time she and I spent "hammering the fundamentals" in the gym. They were already there! It was a joy to watch her play, work through and fix problems on the run, and have an incredibly successful athletic career.

While we will always be there to help when they ask us, as our children grow older, our prayer is that they will be so grounded in the faith that they will instinctively know how to fix it on the run, as they have to keep in the game, and finish the race. By the way, I wouldn't trade one second of quality time I have spent building with my daughters the kind of memories that can only come through the hard work, sweat, and tears of the practice court.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

My friend Machelle is a wonderful gardener. She reads gardening books, she tries new techniques, she uses really stinky organic material, and maybe the most important thing she does is work that garden almost every day. Her flowers are beautiful.

Many times in the Bible we see a parallel between a diligent farmer and the Christian life. It would be a stretch to call me a gardener. I plant flowers occasionally and surprisingly some of them of them have done quite well. Others, not so well. One thing I have learned though is that if I spend a little time each day pulling weeds, the weeds begin to not be as plenteous after a while. And if I am not diligent to pull weeds, they quickly choke out the good plants. It also seems to be a good idea to know where the best place to plant certain flowers. Some need lots of sun and others need more shade. Hydrangeas seem to like facing north, so that's where they are in my yard. Starting off with good rich soil gives the plants a great base to take root.

One of the spiritual disciplines of the Christian walk is spending time daily in the Word and in prayer. It is crucial to growth and maturity. It gives us tools to use, not only for our own circumstances but when others look to us for help or comfort. Machelle is the first person I would go to for advice about flowers. She knows what she is doing because she has spent years studying and testing and working that skill. I trust her advice. It is amazing how often things I read during my quiet time come to mind throughout the day, blessing me, giving me direction, encouraging me. Just like Machelle knows her garden and then reaps the "fruits" of it, I must know my Father and in turn, He is able to fill me and sustain me. I also notice that great gardeners like her share not only their knowledge but also the actual flowers, herbs, vegetables. Another gardener I know is always bringing friends cuttings of plants from her garden. She enjoys sharing the beauty of her garden. What a lovely picture of the Christian life. Sharing what we learn and seeing others enjoy. Spending time daily with the Father, working through the Word, studying, praying....pulling weeds and planting seeds.

Psalm 63:1-4

God, You are my God; early will I seek You; My soul thirsts for You; my flesh longs for You in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water. So I have looked for You in the sanctuary, to see You power and glory. Because Your loving kindness is better than life, my lips will praise You. I will bless You while I live. I will lift up my hands in Your name.

Run to Win

One of our favorite activities is watching our girls compete in athletics. Erica just graduated high school and had a lot of fun and success throughout her athletic career. Alyssa is midstream in high school athletics and Lauren will just be starting competitive sports this year in middle school. They play hard, have fun, and honor God. While we take sports seriously in one sense, we also know that it is only one part of the growth of our girls. They learn lots of valuable life lessons through sports. Erica has been yelled at, cursed at, pushed down and knocked out. But she wouldn't trade the experience for anything.

Paul often uses the metaphor of the athlete in explaining the Christian life. In 1 Corinthians 9: 24 he writes, "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." One translation simply says "run to win."

Being a successful athlete involves many things. The most important may be self-discipline......denying self. An athlete must work out when she doesn't always feel like it. It hurts sometimes. It's uncomfortable. But it's worth it. Winning feels good. There's nothing like making the winning basket at the buzzer, serving an ace to win the game, or knocking in the game winning run.

The life of a flourishing, successful, fulfilled Christian involves self-discipline as well. God has given us the tools necessary to be a victorious Christian - His Word, His Spirit, fellow believers, and the promise that He will never leave us or forsake us. An athlete who has a fantastic gym, great coaches and trainers, and great equipment but doesn't put in the hours of work it takes to be successful is much like the Christian who lives an unfulfilled, unfruitful life because he doesn't spend time in the Word, in prayer, and with believers who who encourage and challenge him.

The life of a victorious athlete or a victorious Christian is developed through hard work and self-discipline. The spiritual growth process is a daily process with long range focus - to be like Him.

Take my Advice and Check It

The advice/self help section at Barnes and Noble or any other major book store, including Christian book stores, is substantial. Giving advice is big business in America. There is an expert ready to give the latest news and information on just about any situation in your life. And Americans want it! Why else would Oprah be the wealthiest woman in our country?

I have been reading the story of Esther in the Old Testament. She was a beautiful young woman who was taken in by King Xerxes as one of his new wives. She is Jewish and has been raised by her uncle Mordecai, a good man. The conflict of the story surrounds an evil advisor to the king, a guy named Haman. Obviously, Xerxes is not an upright fellow either, because he is easily swayed by his own greed and desire for power. Haman convinces Xerxes to declare that the entire Jewish population in his kingdom should be annihilated and their possessions plundered. Xerxes agrees and then he and Haman sit down and have a drink together!

Besides the evil plot by Haman, one real issue here is that Xerxes is seen throughout the book of Esther taking advice from a variety of people, many of whom do not seem to be qualified to give advice.......the king's attendants, advisors (aka "friends").....

Who advises us? Oprah? Yikes.....hope not.

Proverbs is centered around the central theme of wisdom - living life skillfully. Again and again we are encouraged (read:advised) to seek the wisdom of God. How? In chapter 3 the author uses lots of verbs to give some clue on how to do this.

receive my words

treasure my commands

incline your ear to wisdom

apply your heart to understanding

cry out for discernment

lift up your voice for understanding

seek (wisdom) as silver

search for (wisdom) as for hidden treasures

THEN you will understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God. For the lord gives wisdom.

The chapter continues to explain how wisdom is being stored up and given freely to the upright; how it's pleasant to your soul; how it will preserve you. No negatives to this deal. It's all good.

So, who are you looking to for advice and counsel? Does what they say match up with Scripture? If not, think about Proverbs 14:3. It says:

In the mouth of a fool is a rod of pride,

But the lips of the wise will preserve them.

Take my advice, but check it against the Word.

Remember

Erica is our oldest daughter and she turns 18 today. Throughout this, her senior year, Patti and I have often reflected on Erica's journey to this point. "I remember when we found out when she would be born" or "I remember when she started school" or . . . on and on the list goes. It always brings a smile or perhaps a tear, but it seems to bring me to a moment in time when I reflect on who she was at that time. This in turn brings me back to who she is now and that always ends in a smile.

My spiritual journey can be viewed in much the same light. Over the past couple of years God has brought me to a point of some in depth reflection in my life . . . a season of reflection, with a full view of the present. Sometimes smiles, sometimes tears, but always back to where I am today . . . in the present.

You know God is all about remembering, He said it all the time throughout the old testament . . . that you might remember My name . . . garments made in certain ways to remember to obey . . . the passover meal set up to remember God and His love for the Israelites. Of course communion . . . "do this in remembrance of Me."

I used to think that all the "remembering" was simply so the oral traditions of God's interactions with man would be carried on until they could get written down in scripture. That may be true, but I have come to realize that God told them and us today to remember, because He knows how easily we forget . . . Him. This is what happened to me. God had to take me through a reflective journey of who I was and the path that got me to who I am today. As I did God began to grow much bigger. He reminded me of who He is, and He brought me back to Him in the present.

May I encourage you to spend time remembering in your quiet time with the Lord. Just reflect on your path of pursuing Him. Like looking from above a maze you may, as I do, see how you wandered, bumped into the walls, bumped into the same wall, and then turned to wander into another dead end. Then in that golden moment when you find yourself in a dark corner and you are at your end, you will realize how He has laid His hand upon you . . . even on the far side of the sea (Psalm 139). Now, in view of where you have been, embrace this day, every moment, no matter how seemingly small, and realize that He is really big. Then turn it all into a chance to share Him with your children so they in turn will remember. . . Deuteronomy 6:4-9.

The Message sums it up nicely in Psalm 18:20-24

God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before Him. When I got my act together, He gave me a fresh start. Now I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted. Every day I review the ways He works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes.